Abu Dhabi Dispatches: How I Nearly Met Jack Baruth At The International Defense Expo

A few days ago, I was at the International Defense Expo here in Abu Dhabi. It prides itself as "the most strategically important tri-service defence exhibition in the world." Many tanks were on display, among them an armored Audi A8. I wanted to inspect that car a bit closer, when a man approached the white-haired product specialist of Audi. The man had a gold lame jacket, and he needed a haircut. They gave away free parabolic mikes at the AVIC booth, but being Chinese, it would only pick up the voice of the salesman. Here is the transcript. Product specialist: "Mr.Baruth! Welcome to Abu Dhabi! If you are tired of lightweight cars, you have come to the right place!" Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "Angry husbands and ex-girlfriends…I see. Really? An entire PR department? Interesting. I understand how that could be a problem. An Audi A8 Security could certainly address your safety issues. Please, this way. This is the 2013 Audi A8 Security; it is equipped with our famous W12 engine with just under 500 horsepower. We offer a V8 as well, that engine is rated at 414. The V8 gets 21 miles per gallon, but the W12 consumes slightly more at 17. We feel the W12 engine is perfectly matched to the armament." Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "As a Phaeton owner, you certainly are very familiar with the W12, excellent. If I may show you some of the security features." Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "Of course the A8 Security offers protection to BR7. In the luxury "hard car," or non-tactical armored vehicle market, no one has exceeded this rating. As you can see from the demo, the windows are multi-layered, polycarbonate, ballistic resistance class 10. The door utilized hardened steel and ceramics to achieve bullet resistance 9; so any pistol-wielding PR intern can be casually dismissed as you comfortably listen to your ironic Burt Bacharach. The entry and exit areas have layered features, so there are no seams for a jealous ex-lover to penetrate with a nail file, ice pick or even the standard NATO 7.62 round." Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "Additionally, the underside of the A8 Security is blast resistant, and is built with anti-magnetic plating. You can rest assured a frustrated former track day student will be unable to pull an Alexander Haig on you en route to Summit Point." Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "Other items of note include armor plating for the vehicle's electronics and an optional emergency air system. This would be particularly helpful on your next drive to Los Angeles or even Cleveland. You may also enjoy a smoke extractor system should one of your future threats lady guests insist on smoking in your cabin." Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "Of course each of our A8 Security vehicles is manufactured in a separate location, guarded and secure. So should you encounter a Carrie Fisher-esque threat, she will be unable to research the weak points on your car, of which, as you can see there are none." Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "With your experience behind the wheel of many luxury vehicles, I can imagine that on occasion you might enjoy being chauffeured. If I may call your attention to the interior of the A8 Security; the exterior dimensions make it the longest vehicle in the high-security segment and this translates to more interior room. The seats have available heat and massage options, as well as a footrest made available by moving the front passenger seat forward and folding it from the back. Should you reconfigure the seat for more …um-hem, shall we say…'rambunctious' activities with one of your lady friends, there is a memory function. Very popular in the Saudi Arabian market … who has time to remember all the positions, right?" Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "Did you say flash bang? Very funny! Speaking of which, the price is …" Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "… of course, of course, how gauche of me. I you had to ask and all that. We will settle with your assistant. Excellent! A perfect choice! If I may escort you to our reception area we can set about the process of customizing your new A8 Security to your specifications…" Baruth: [Unintelligible.] Product specialist: "…I am sorry, this is quite embarrassing, but I do need to take this phone call… …Hello…mmmhmmm…I see…Yes, he is right here…but he…it's just… Wie bitte? Natürlich, ich verstehe. Alles klar. Kein Problem. Machen wir. Tschau mit au. Tschö mit ö. Wiedersehn mit iedersehn." Product specialist: "…Mr. Baruth, this is a bit embarrassing, but I was unaware it was the Porsche PR department. I am sure you know about our tangled management roots, I am afraid I will be unable to sell you a secure vehicle today. Perhaps the folks at Lincoln can help you out." Baruth: [Redacted.] Product specialist: "Now, now, Mr. Baruth. How do they say? Panther love, ja! Have a safe trip home, a very safe trip." from The Truth About Cars http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com

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