Hammer Time: Hype It Up! Boy!

The auctioneer could see the white line in his left nostril. Gordie, the owner's son, had taken one last hit before beginning his four hour a week job as the auction's on-block rep. His job would entail pointing at a number on a sheet, saying "Sold!" or "No Sale!", and hopefully keeping his coked up observations to himself. No one could stand Gordie. Especially not this day… The auction staff had to sell over four hundred vehicles in a matter of four hours. One vehicle every thirty six seconds is hard enough to achieve when the cars you sell run the gamut from a $30,000 Silverado to a $300 Tempo. Everyone has to be on their toes. The clerks have to get hundreds of sales contracts signed.  Lot managers have to keep the drivers in cars and make sure the vehicles can all start and make it through the lane. Even a seemingly insignificant guy like Gordie needed to know his role and do it to the best of his abilities. "Run number 23! Green light! Title Attached! TMU! TMU! Habadgiveme-five thousand!!!" Title attached meant the title was not there. The seller would have 30 days to bring the title to the auction and the buyer would not have his check cashed until it came in. TMU meant true miles unknown. The important announcements, the ones that can make the difference between a great buy for the buyer, or a great sale for the seller, are always mentioned twice. The auctioneer will also usually mention the issue again if someone comes to the block who has not heard the announcement and wants to bid. Gordie's coked up state threw the first proverbial wrench in the auction process, "That car ain't got no TMU! Roll it around the building one time and see if the odometer works!" The auctioneer froze. A verbal altercation could lead to a minor delay that would hopefully yield Gordie's exit . Or the 240 pound coked up ape next to him could start freaking out and the auctioneer would have one less auction to work. The auctioneer shook his head and gave a deep exhale into the mic…" Run that car along and see if he's right." Every auctioneer knows that the one thing that can kill a good sale is a delay. Thirty seconds of doing nothing in an auction lane, means the dealers have thirty seconds to look around and go somewhere else. "Bring her up! Bring her up! Run#24! Red light! AS/IS! No title here today! Habadgiveme- two thousand…" The sale soon revved back into life and for the next twenty-five vehicles, the market was plain smoking. Dealers were bidding at or beyond the clean book.  Cars were hitting a lick within the first few seconds. Twenty-five cars sold and twenty-fiver deals made. Gordie was busy moving his finger on the page and making notes of the prices the vehicles sold for. The auctioneer was having a rare 'no sale'. "No sale! On to #50 folks! Green light to go! Green light to go!" That was when Gordie made his second to last mistake, "Hype it up! Boy!" Now, in our business there are four types of people you should never call boy. #1: A person older than you #2: A black man #3: Anyone remotely Jewish #4: Females #5: Anyone who can kick your ass. The auctioneer turned around and said the only words that came to mind. "That's Mr. Boy to YOU! Macker-quacker!" Except that his last word rhymed with 'ducker'. The auction staff and the dealers were ready for the next move.  A fight? A war of words? Would the upper lane clerk take the nearby fire extinguisher and slam it over Gordie's head? "BWAAAAA!!!" Gordie gave off a laugh that was half man and half maniac. The rest of the sale went on without a hitch. Three weeks later Gordie would whisper into a female auction rep's ear, "You like that weiner there?" pointing to a shirveled up hot dog the auction charged $4 for. "I'll give you a weiner after the sale! You'll love my weiner!" She ran off and tears and within minutes the auction's security personnel, along with the owner, would give Gordie his final escort out of the building and into the back seat of a police cruiser. Months later the auction would settle the sexual harassment suit out of court for six figures. A few days after the sordid event,  Gordie would be given an extensive stay in rehab. He would grow up, have a family, and now with two young daughters considers himself, "an avowed feminist". People change.   from The Truth About Cars http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com

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