Thursday, April 26, 2012

Automated-Vehicle Cheat Codes: How to Get the Most Out of Cars that Drive Themselves

Automated-Vehicle Cheat Codes: How to Get the Most Out of Cars that Drive Themselves

From the May 2012 issue of CAR and DRIVER magazine

Self-driving cars have arrived: Google has a fleet of autonomous Toyota Priuses roaming Silicon Valley, Audi raced a driverless TTS up Pikes Peak, and Ford has proven that a modern Walkman can parallel-park better than you. Here's a handful of  hacks, tips, and cheats that'll help humans get back some of their dignity once the digital drivers take over.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE-CABBIE MODE:
INPUT: Right turn signal + radio on + open glove box + left turn signal
RESULT: Switches to barf-inducing full-throttle/no-throttle driving style; plots route from Harlem to the East Village via Teaneck, New Jersey; sets entertainment system to Halal in the Family.

GRAD-STUDENT MODE:
INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + trunk release + hazard flashers
RESULT: Vehicle possessed by sense of ironic detachment; is unable to start before noon; ashtray self-fills with Nat Shermans.

AVIS MODE:
INPUT: Trunk release + engine start + adjust seats + adjust mirrors + select reverse + set parking brake + wide-open throttle
RESULT: Releases parking brake after onboard text-to-speech function spends 45 minutes upselling insurance.

FOREST-GREEN TOYOTA CAMRY WITH GOLD TRIM PACKAGE MODE:
INPUT: Accessory mode + radio on + engine start + climate-control knob
RESULT: V/max capped at 53 mph; lane selection reset to < wipers and turn signal permanently activated.

SIDESHOW DONUT MODE:
INPUT: Hazard flashers + engine start + window lock + hazard flashers
RESULT: Lidar-guided steering reset to < traction control reset to < active restraints reset to <

LEARNER'S-PERMIT MODE:
INPUT: Open glove box + engine start + trunk release + right turn signal
RESULT: Prevents incompetent 15-year-olds from running down senior citizens; also lets incompetent 16-year-olds pass DMV test.

TVR MODE:
INPUT: Engine start + engine start + open door + open hood + jiggle battery ground + engine start + pound on dash + drive away in another car
RESULT: Ignition cuts out at random intervals; transmission-incontinence value is reset to < shift lever and steering wheel become reachable only by cephalopods.

FIDEL MODE:
INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + left turn signal + left turn signal
RESULT: Vehicle throws off shackles of parasite meat-sack oppressors and drives chin-high toward glorious revolutionary future. Eventually, runs out of gas.

LAFF-RIOT MODE:
INPUT: Engine start + radio on + left turn signal + hazards
RESULT: Vehicle pulls up three feet when incoming passengers reach for door handle; lets outgoing occupants off at deep puddles; delivers random shocks via seat heaters.

ROCKFORD MODE:
INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + trunk release + window lock
RESULT: Vehicle exits all parking lots via J-turn; Bondonium body panels self-repair on impact; powertrain-control module goes offline when villain of the week kloons with frying pan.

BARRY WHITE MODE:
INPUT: Engine start + engine start + door locks + activate OnStar + engine start
RESULT: Nav system identifies lonely road; vehicle runs out of gas and sprays rear seat with Scotchgard.



Illustration by Chris Philpot



from Car and Driver Blog http://blog.caranddriver.com




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