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The above video is mildly NSFW
"Hey, I want to replace my BMW 3 Series because it's no good in the snow. I want something just like it but I want it to be cheaper, because I'm tired of making such a big payment. I want it to be sporty but I also want it to be practical. I'm open to used but I'd prefer new. Thoughts?"
I received the text message above about a week or so ago from a friend of mine, but I've gotten essentially the same text over and over again for the last several years.
The question comes in many forms, from many different people, but it can essentially be interpreted as follows:
"Can you use your years of knowledge, experience, and expertise to give me an answer to a wildly uneducated, unrealistic, and ill-informed question that I will then entirely ignore and do what I wanted to do in the first place?"
Let me be clear—I'm no Sajeev (or even Sanjeev). I barely even consider myself a "car guy." I don't have much mechanical ability. I can change a tire, adjust shocks…and that's about it.
But when it comes to buying cars, especially late-model or new, I know my stuff. I've bought a dozen new cars and never gotten anything less than a rip-roaring deal. I'm fortunate enough to have driven most of the non-exotics on the market. If you're looking to buy a car that retails for less than $50,000, it's almost a certainty that I've not only spent significant time behind the wheel of the car you're considering, I've also spent significant time driving its competitors.
I'm also entirely willing to provide advice to people upon request. Thanks to my presence on these pages, I get dozens of requests for car buying advice per year. Of the dozens and dozens of people who've asked my advice, feel free to take a guess as to how many of my personal friends have actually taken it and bought what I recommended. Go ahead.
The answer is One. One person. That's it (thank you, Steve C.! So glad to hear that you're enjoying your 2014 Mazda CX-5!). From what I hear from my "car guy" friends, this is a pretty common theme.
So why the hell does everybody seek out our advice and that categorically deny ever having received it? I have thoughts.
1. They asked us a ridiculous question and hated our realistic and practical answer
No, I don't know of any dealerships that are willing to sell you the latest and greatest new car for three thousand dollars under invoice. No, your four-cylinder Ford Probe isn't worth $5500 ( I got that one not too long ago). And, no, there's nothing exactly like your BMW 3 series that's going to be cheaper, better in the snow, and be sporty yet practical (for what it's worth, I recommended a Ford Fusion or a Honda Accord V6 Coupe).
People click "send" on that text to me and hope that I'm going to send them back some magical answer to an unsolvable situation. Yes, it's true that there are about 150 different new car models available to be purchased in the year 2015, but none of them are going to be able to do 0-60 in three seconds, plow the snow off of your driveway, seat seven comfortably, and get 40 MPG. You've got to be willing to compromise.
2. They've already decided what they wanted to buy and they just wanted us to confirm how awesome their terrible decision is
Listen, I just can't tell you that buying a Lincoln MKC is a good idea. I just can't. I know you drove it and you loved it, but the Escape Titanium is a better choice for less money. When the Lincoln salesperson told you that the MKC's 2.0 liter turbocharged engine is more reliable than the 2.0 liter turbocharged engine in the Ford, and I told you that they were EXACTLY THE SAME ENGINE, you ignored me. So when you decide to buy the MKC anyway, please don't ask me to tell you that you made a good decision. I can't do it. Our friendship is now strained and it's your fault. Good job.
There is a list of cars that I simply won't recommend under any circumstance, regardless of how much a friend of mine may like it—not because they're bad cars, necessarily, but because there's a better choice in the category. So if you come to me wanting me to confirm that you should buy a 2015 Sonata, I just can't. There are simply better options for you. Isn't that why you should be asking for advice in the first place, to avoid these horrible decisions?
3. They know just enough about cars to be completely and utterly stupid
This actual exchange happened recently:
Friend: "Hey, Bark, what new car would you recommend for less than $20,000? I'd like a hatchback with Bluetooth and some other upscale options."
Me: "A good friend of mine just bought a Sonic LTZ about a year ago and she loves it. I really liked driving it, too. I just bought a Fiesta—you should check those out, too."
Friend: "Americans don't know how to make small cars. I'm going to get a Fit."
Well, thank you for referencing your decade-old knowledge about cars to make your decision. You should also make all your dietary decisions on the food pyramid. Make sure you stretch out thoroughly before you attempt a world-record in the long jump, too. Did you know that smoking reduces stress?
When I go to my doctor, I assume that he's more up-to-date on medical information than I am, because it's his job to be. It's my job to be up-to-date on the latest information and trends in the car biz. Trust me.
4. Even though they asked for advice, they don't really want to relinquish any of their decision-making power
This one is especially true of guys. Listen, dudes, I get it. You're a "man." You're supposed to know about cars. It's part of a man's DNA to have all of the knowledge available to mankind about automobiles available for immediate recall.
But you knew enough to know that you didn't have all the answers. You asked me for help, which was a good idea. However, when it came time to make the final decision, you didn't like having another man's fingerprints on your choice. So you made a poor decision rather than accept the good advice that I or others gave you. It's the same reason that size 48L men will wonder aimlessly through the 38S section of the tailored clothing department of a Macy's rather than ask for help. It's embarrassing to admit that you don't know "guy stuff." But you don't. So suck it up and take my advice, already.
I suppose that I should be thankful that people still ignore the advice of their "car guy" friends and go to third-party sites like this one for car-buying advice. So "Bark" is likely never going to get out of the Car Advice biz. But Mark? I might just retire. After all, there's nothing more damaging to the human psyche than doing work without a purpose.
The post Bark's Bites: Sure, I'm Happy to Have You Ignore My Recommendation appeared first on The Truth About Cars.
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