Some of our Texas-specific penalties have to do with honoring—if that's the word—great figures in Texas history. For example, here's founding Justice of the LeMons Supreme Court Jonny Lieberman modeling the Billy Gibbons Beard Penalty.
The miscreant driver must wear the itchy Billy Gibbons beard under his driving suit, which seems appropriate for a spinout-prone driver in a Camaro sporting a "Billy Gibbons For President" bumper sticker.
For a while, we made bad-driving Texans swear on a Bible that Texas is not the biggest state. To rub it in, we also made them swear that the Canadian province of Quebec is bigger than Texas.
As residents of the state that brought us the Butthole Surfers and the Sashimi Tabernacle Choir, Texans have a lot to be proud of. To hear some of them talk, however, it seems they also have a lot to fear.
Communism, for example. While most of the rest of the world agrees that global communism is dead and buried, plenty of Texas LeMons racers feel that the corpse of Vladimir Lenin is fixin' to rise up out of his tomb, hop on an Aeroflot nonstop to Dallas, work some sort of zombie magic, and proclaim the People's Republic of Texas. So, the Justices of the LeMons Supreme Court take care to plaster their robes with the appropriate decorations when we visit the Lone Star State.
We also stock up on flags, which we use to adorn the cars of particularly terrible drivers. This Mustang team felt shame all weekend.
It turns out that many Texas racers hate Massachusetts even more than they ever hated the Soviet Union. Naturally, we worked this loathing into our penalty arsenal.
Inspired by the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution, we dressed up wipeout-prone racers in Mao caps and made them march around the paddock chanting slogans from the Little Red Book.
Yes, we always have a good time forcing black-flag-collecting Texas racers to put on public displays of Communism, and we like to feel that the threat of public humiliation keeps them from crashing their cars as much as they might do otherwise. But then as the 2012 election campaigns heated up this summer, a terrifying new Enemy of Texas Freedom appeared: the United Nations! Tom Head, a judge in Lubbock County, announced that he would be forming an official county anti-UN force to fight off the blue-helmeted stormtroopers, should they attempt to conquer Texas. Well, a news story like that can mean only one thing to the LeMons Supreme Court!
So, we got to work on the apparatus of the United Nations Texas Occupation Administration for the 2012 Gator-O-Rama.
Judge Scott, shown here disciplining a parade of incontinent bad drivers at MSR Houston, made UNTOA signage and blue helmets.
Judge Sajeev, shown here honoring his Indian heritage, converted his daily-driver Ranger into the UNTOA Mobile Incarceration Unit.
When a team's drivers collected sufficient black flags, we threw them behind fencing in the UNTOA Reeducation Facility, i.e. the bed of Sajeev's truck.
We rounded up another bunch of crashy/spinny drivers and made them don the blue helmets of UNTOA stormtroopers.
While driving the Mobile UN Concentration Camp Unit around the paddock, we forced the inmates to fill out UNTOA Tax Form 666. Note the "multiply by zero to determine your total deduction" line.
Did fear of the UNTOA cause the rest of the field to drive better? We hope so!
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