Automated-Vehicle Cheat Codes: How to Get the Most Out of Cars that Drive Themselves

Self-driving cars have arrived: Google has a fleet of autonomous Toyota Priuses roaming Silicon Valley, Audi raced a driverless TTS up Pikes Peak, and Ford has proven that a modern Walkman can parallel-park better than you. Here's a handful of  hacks, tips, and cheats that'll help humans get back some of their dignity once the digital drivers take over. INCOMPREHENSIBLE-CABBIE MODE: INPUT: Right turn signal + radio on + open glove box + left turn signal RESULT: Switches to barf-inducing full-throttle/no-throttle driving style; plots route from Harlem to the East Village via Teaneck, New Jersey; sets entertainment system to Halal in the Family. GRAD-STUDENT MODE: INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + trunk release + hazard flashers RESULT: Vehicle possessed by sense of ironic detachment; is unable to start before noon; ashtray self-fills with Nat Shermans. AVIS MODE: INPUT: Trunk release + engine start + adjust seats + adjust mirrors + select reverse + set parking brake + wide-open throttle RESULT: Releases parking brake after onboard text-to-speech function spends 45 minutes upselling insurance. FOREST-GREEN TOYOTA CAMRY WITH GOLD TRIM PACKAGE MODE: INPUT: Accessory mode + radio on + engine start + climate-control knob RESULT: V/max capped at 53 mph; lane selection reset to < wipers and turn signal permanently activated. SIDESHOW DONUT MODE: INPUT: Hazard flashers + engine start + window lock + hazard flashers RESULT: Lidar-guided steering reset to < traction control reset to < active restraints reset to < LEARNER'S-PERMIT MODE: INPUT: Open glove box + engine start + trunk release + right turn signal RESULT: Prevents incompetent 15-year-olds from running down senior citizens; also lets incompetent 16-year-olds pass DMV test. TVR MODE: INPUT: Engine start + engine start + open door + open hood + jiggle battery ground + engine start + pound on dash + drive away in another car RESULT: Ignition cuts out at random intervals; transmission-incontinence value is reset to < shift lever and steering wheel become reachable only by cephalopods. FIDEL MODE: INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + left turn signal + left turn signal RESULT: Vehicle throws off shackles of parasite meat-sack oppressors and drives chin-high toward glorious revolutionary future. Eventually, runs out of gas. LAFF-RIOT MODE: INPUT: Engine start + radio on + left turn signal + hazards RESULT: Vehicle pulls up three feet when incoming passengers reach for door handle; lets outgoing occupants off at deep puddles; delivers random shocks via seat heaters. ROCKFORD MODE: INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + trunk release + window lock RESULT: Vehicle exits all parking lots via J-turn; Bondonium body panels self-repair on impact; powertrain-control module goes offline when villain of the week kloons with frying pan. BARRY WHITE MODE: INPUT: Engine start + engine start + door locks + activate OnStar + engine start RESULT: Nav system identifies lonely road; vehicle runs out of gas and sprays rear seat with Scotchgard. Cadillac's Super Cruise: Baby Steps Towards Autonomous Driving First Drive: 2012 Toyota Prius C Instrumented Test: 2010 Audi TTS Illustration by Chris Philpot from Car and Driver Blog http://blog.caranddriver.com

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